drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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