The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
