he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
