I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
