Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you didnt know i had herpes?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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