i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
