The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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