Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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