I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
