I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
