Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
