the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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