Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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