you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
