I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
