In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
