Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
