the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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