Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
