One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
