Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
