I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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