Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
