My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
