You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
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Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
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is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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