I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
