He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
