so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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