i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
