Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
