Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
