So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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