You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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