That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
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So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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