I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
