my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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