i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
