I puked a lego.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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