I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
