I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
