batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
