Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
