Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
