It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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