Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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