What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
