I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
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apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
my liver is dry heaving
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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