tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
