the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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