You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
