the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
now i know why i became what i already was.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
