this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
