I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
