the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
