Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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