Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
